dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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