i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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