she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
