your thong is hanging out like whoa
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
