I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
