she woke up with a sticky ear
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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