Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
