Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
