I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
