literally had 100 drinks last night.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
