My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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