I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
