He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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