It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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