I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
