ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
