Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
