wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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