Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
