Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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