There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
But we have bathrooms and they dont
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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