thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
