What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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