chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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