I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
