So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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