I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
