sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I need a burrito and a hug.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
