you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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