Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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