It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
