when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
