Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
