my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
