Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
