Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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