The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
