I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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