I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
