You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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