she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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