you guys were way drunker than both of me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
