i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
time to smoke my breakfast
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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