What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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