I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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