Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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