I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She bit a glass in half.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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