Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
