I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
