Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
