i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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