The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just gargled with NyQuil
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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