I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
